26th - 30th September

Wat Phra That Doi Suthep International Buddhist Centre

I saw my friend Linda for coffee in the park before catching a Grab (Thailands version of Uber) up to the temple in the mountains north-west of Chiang Mai. At the bottom of the temple steps is a little village of shops and stalls selling a vast range of Buddhist merchandise. The temple is one of Chiang Mai’s top tourist attractions and there is a steady stream of visitors both international and Thai flowing up the 300- stairs to the famous golden temple.

I left the tourist throng and wearing the required white followed the signs to the meditation centre. With as few words as possible I was given my key and directed to my room. I switched my phone off, and felt both relief and anxiety at being cut off for the next five days. Before the arrival ceremony I had time to unpack and clean my sparse room. The surrounding jungle was much noisier than I could have imagined with cicadas cranking the volume by the minute.

The arrival ceremony was quite solemn and I had to follow a chant and hand large gold dishes of flowers to the saffron robed monk. I was then shown to the chapel where the rest of the cohort of mediators were doing just that.

As I tried to get to sleep later on the hardest bed and pillow, I realized that the noise of the cicadas had lessened, but other caws and calls had filled out the jungle noise.

The head monk gave a dharma talk daily at 5:30am. He spoke as if he had been up for hours and had possibly had quite a few cups of coffee. His strong accent and speed of speaking meant I only understood about 60% of what he said. What I did understand was good, however, and I let the rest of it just washed over me.

From dharma talk to the temple for meditation then breakfast at 7am. More meditation, lunch at 11am, an individual instruction session with the monk, a few hours to contemplate, walk round the beautiful temple and surrounding jungle, then more meditation at 1pm till ‘chanting’ at 6pm which was actually another high-speed dharma talk. More meditation afterwards until 9am. Sleep came surprisingly easily despite the noise and extremely firm pillow.

The next five days followed the same outward pattern, but inwardly I felt a noticeable settling of my mind. The meditation was hard physically but rewarding mentally as I felt freer of the monkey mind.

The second day was quite emotional. I told the monk in our individual session. “Tearful?’ He asked, I nodded, on the brink of tears. ‘Good - really good - just let it come - ok?’ Until 1130am the following day, those were the only spoken words.

I found the shift from focus on the breath to a following/watching what the breath is doing without controlling it at all really helpful. It is quite basic but most of meditation is basic. The hard part is the practice; daily, regularly without negotiation.

The third day was easier physically and emotionally and a walk in the forest and up to the spectacular temple was amazing. A couple of people tried to talk to me but when I indicated to my white robes they understood. I did have an ice cream, which I ate very mindfully - and with huge gratitude - especially when I didn’t drop any telltale chocolate on my robes. No coffee, no nothing so I didn’t feel too guilty. I had been wondering if I could make it through the week, but I realized that was just more monkey mind. Sitting with the discomfort and seeing it without trying to change it was a big part - the whole part really - of my practice. So I saw this urge to run, and got back down on my cushion for some more meditation.

Fourth day was my last day and I woke feeling elated. I could have done another 10 days, and will return at some point to do a longer retreat, but was quite relieved that I would be heading down the mountain the following day. I put in long shifts in the meditation hall, my body now coping with the sitting / walking practice, cleaned up my room and the shared bathroom, and had another long walk in the jungle, really soaking it in. I could listen to the jungle sounds, really listen, having said/heard so little all week. Next to the meditation hall is a beautiful mini temple and I spent some time here, lit candles for Mum and Polly and for all my loved ones. I felt huge gratitude for all the many people in my life who walk with me, and often laugh with me, along the way. If you are reading this, you are certainly one of my precious life companions - thank you - and much love.

I didn’t sleep much that last night. I was suddenly attacked with anxiety about what I might find on my phone when I switched it on the following day. Had Putin dropped a bomb? Had a loved one died or got sick? Had Des had enough of me and my Asia wandering and decided to jack it in? The thoughts and fears snowballed all night and while I tried my breathing, tried to get in touch with all the serenity and calm I’d been cultivating each week, the fear just got me by the throat - and wouldn’t let go.

Last day: partly because of my sleepless night, and partly because I was excited about leaving I was packed before 5am - and headed to the dharma talk at 5:30am. I heard much more than I had before and got a lot from it. I met with the monk after breakfast for a closing ceremony, and picked up my bag to leave. Just before I left, my neighbour, a very beautiful girl who sat perfectly still for hours and hours but who had exuded a sense of sadness all week, came up to me to wave goodbye. I hadn’t spoken to her, but opened my arms for a silent hug. It was a wonderful feeling to hold and be held by another person and feel so much love for someone who’s name I didn’t even know. She asked me if she could speak and said, ‘Thank you so much for your gentle, loving presence. I’ve felt you next to me all week and felt so comforted by you. You’ve shown me a new way to practise.’ Wow - the longest sentence in five days and each word so precious. I left the centre with her words in my head.

I switched on my phone once away from the centre and smiled as the loving messages from Des came in, from Cameron and Cele and from many other loved ones. My mail was mostly spam, now with a new stream of Thai emails too. No disasters or crisis or trauma. Even the BBC update seemed quite tame, and Chelsea had finally won while I’d been off-line.

I caught a red bus down the mountain, leaving the spectacular Doi Suthep behind me. Two very well healed Thai cyclists jumped in - with their bikes - and we had a broken English conversation. It felt great to be able to speak. In Chiang Mai, I met my friend Linda for coffee and said goodbye to my friends from Kenya - Edward and Erwin who’d been on a shopping trip. Linda and I then wandered round the amazing market and I felt excited by everything I heard and saw. I was probably a little bit over-chatty, but patient Linda didn’t seem to mind. We met more friends, Joe and Mark, for more coffee - orange espresso - which was unfortunately so delicious we ended up having way too much.

I headed to the train station and got onboard for the night train to Bangkok. I shared the first class cabin with a very sweet Thai lady who thankfully didn’t speak much English. Not so thankfully, her phone was very loud, and she got text messages throughout the night. I don’t think its fair to blame her entirely for my second sleepless night; the caffeine may have played some part in it too.

I realized at about 4am that ‘sleeper train’ is a misnomer for me. It is no-sleeper train and so perhaps my night train days are behind me. I arrived in Bangkok at around 7am and felt a mixture of relief and exhaustion. I had a full day at the hospital ahead and was running on empty. The hotel bed was incredibly comfortable - but then any bed would have been comfortable after the lead pillow and mattress of Doi Suthep. I got a few hours of sleep before heading off the to hospital.